I am visiting the most difficult place to visit . My first experience at love and relationships.  I was about 5 years and my parents were workinat  I was playing with my friends . Something terrible happened. My friends were called to their respective homes, so I was waiting for a bit till they come back. The memory is very blurry , but what I think happened is that this old man called me to his room and said I should come and have some sweets. Innocently as a 5 year old is , I went in and he started fondling me , luckily before he did the unthinkable friends came and so I was saved .

Second attempt.  I visited over school holidays  with a cousin , I was 16 years just finished with my final matric exams . My dad was against me going there because I had supplementary exams to prepare. I went anyway.

One Saturday afternoon my cousin asked me to go  with her to visit  her boyfriend . Innocently again I went not knowing what to expect.  When we arrived there  I met her boyfriend and his friend.

My cousins s boyfriend s friend promised to keep me company whilst my cousin and her boyfriend were in another room having alone time. I mean at that time in my life I was so innocent. I thought everyone had good intentions.

As soon as my cousin and boyfriend left the room. This guy demanded that I kiss him saying to me what was I thinking staying alone with him in the room . I refused and he got so angry I literally saw him change into a monster , he locked the room door and took out a gun and swore he would shoot me dead if I do not do what he wants , I was resistant. I started crying and screaming , he did not care . He undressed me and raped me over

and over , I kept screaming hoping my cousin would hear me . Eventually they banged at the door ,   he refused to open. They went to go look for things to help them gain access to the room. Finally opened the door .

We did not open a   case as I was scared of what my father would say , decided to keep it amongst ourselves and not tell anyone.  The secret I kept from my parents even today. My Dad went to the grave not knowing about this.

Third experience was supposed to be special and this one was my ” boyfriend” . Willingly I walked with him to his house with his friend and girlfriend.  In hindsight this was peer pressure. We got to his house and he told me to undress,  I told him I was not ready.  He slapped me and asked what I was thinking walking to his house , there were 2 couples in that room. He forced himself on me and then insisted of walking me  back home in the wee hours of the morning . Ooh my goodness I felt even more dirtier than ever before.

Wow the 4th experience was beautiful,  I was in love with this guy. He  was my real love.  I was in love and I thought he was in love as well. Until we got pregnant.  He told me I must go abort the child because he is not ready for a child. At about the same time , I learnt he was cheating.

So I went through with the abortion and this  was the last time I was ever romantically involved with anyone. I now live with trust issues.  I m therefore no longer even interested in having a relationship .

As for friends I find it so difficult to share. I always feel rejected or out of place when there s alot of us in a group . I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated unless I m drinking .  I have trouble believing that I am  loved . I always question it when they tell me. I know you are probably saying , “This one is strange”. I have recently discovered that I value quality time with loved ones more than anything.

I have embarked on a journey of self discovery . I hope that by the time I finish psychotherapy I am be a better person , receptive of love and know how to give love to myself and others.