SOCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY

I have been living with a mental disorder for over 20 years of my life. It started with an empty and lonely feeling even when surrounded by lots of people.

I would be in a group of friends having a conversation and suddenly I m withdrawn and feel left out. I could not understand what was happening to me .

One fateful day early 2010 , I decided I cannot deal with these mood swings that left me embarrassed once they were over. I didn’t know how to be normal and join in the conversation anymore. I decided to visit a psychologist, something I’d been putting off for so long. I needed approval from friends at that stage of my life.

I walked into the psychologist rooms , it was a winter morning, I was trembling but it was not clear if it was due to the cold weather or the cold heart the fear and anxiety that had been a part of me for so long. As they usually do, the pyschologist asked what was wrong , I did not know. She asked me questions I could not finish my sentences my words were all over the place . I was not focusing. There was too much happening in my life . She looked at me and sighed . She said to me : ” Your suitcase is full and messy you need to be admitted.

I had never before heard of a place where you get admitted for mental illness except places for where psychotic people went .

Two days later she had arranged everything and I was on my way to Vista hospital to start my new journey.

There I met with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with MDD ( major depressive disorder) .

I attended occupational and psycho therapy to discover myself and my hidden talents and to learn more about my new discovered friend . I call it a friend because I live with it . I finished my admission and learned life lessons and coping mechanisms . I was discharged to go face the world as I was deemed ready after the assessment and
the readiness classes I attended.

I was given medication to help me cope with anxiety and depression. A year into the medication I thought i had my ..ish together and stopped my medication without the instruction of my psychiatrist despite having being told not to . I continued living a ” normal ” life or atleast I thought so, during that time.

I continued suffering zigzag mood disorder and pretended I was cool.

Looking back now I think people had noticed my moods as they would be difficult to hide at times.I remember being at a friend a 50th birthday. All started well with excitement. I even remember I was one of the speakers for the day. It was all going so well. Suddenly my mood took a serious dip I was suddenly overwhelmed and low . I had to come up with a plan and leave the crowd. I told my friends , I had a headache and I was gonna lie down abit in the car. They reluctantly allowed me to go . I went to the car , closed my eyes for about 30 minutes . I woke after 30 minutes and my excitement was high and unbelievable. I kept on asking myself the question of what was really happening. Well it was over for that moment. Life went on and the party continued, but I never stopped asking myself the question of whether I have bipolar or not. I did not entertain it with anybody , because after all it was over and I was happy.

It happened like that for a few more years. I would go out with my friends to clubs and an hour later my mood would change. I would have to suck it up because it was the right thing to do. I would pretend but my emotions would be fighting me inside. I would suffer insomnia, my brain would be on a race ,alot of tthings were going through my brain, I couldnt sleep at all. I tried all home remedies you can think of, lavender oils, warm milk , sticking to the same sleeping routine and not using any gadgets 30 minutes before bed but all in vain.

2020 a year that shouldn’t be, happened. COVID hit the whole world and all of us panicked all over the world. Well as we always say life must go on
My father was in and out of hospital with what we thought was diabetes, he started experiencing changes in his body. He suddenly could not speak , he could not take care of his own daily living activities. He could not bathe himself, he could not walk unassisted and had to be put on nappies as he could not go to the bathroom.

I was scheduled for a major operation. The last time he spoke anything to me was in April when he told me to go well for my surgery , he wished me well and told me he loved me. So I went and prepared for my hospital stay.

My operation was a great success .I was still in hospital when I received a call from my mom telling me that they had to call an ambulance for my father as he was not waking up…. my thoughts :” He was in diabetic coma as usual. ” I was discharged the day after my dad was admitted.

The recovery process was that I stay home and not drive for 6 weeks. I kept in touch with my mother and the hospital frequently. But that time I was scared out of my mind . I would wake up in the middle of the night and pray that my father be healed I would say to God” father any kind of healing u see befitting for my father please grant him that. This was after seeing how weak and in pain his was.” The most painful day was when I had to change my father” Daddy” as we affectionately called him s nappy. I was sick to my stomach. I was hurting. I remember I did not stay home for long that day. I was struggling with what I just experienced. What hurt the most was me thinking how he should be feeling ,being changed by his little girl. That right there broke my heart to pieces.

I went back to my house and carried with my business. On the 16 May it was a Saturday, I received a very strange phone call from my mother. She said the hospital wanted to see all of us to discuss Daddy s progress . I told my youngest brother that because of the hospital limitations we must ask Tshepo my younger brother to go with my mother to hospital.

So they went , on coming back the feedback was that they wanted to know if they should transfuse blood for my Dad. My Mom said yes anything that would save his life.

I was given the Dr s contact number . I had alot of questions. I called the Dr and she dismissed me and said if I wanna know anything about my father I better come to the hospital. I understood very well the medicolegal side of things but still struggled with the humanity of the whole situation.

Monday the 18th May , my Dad succumbed to renal failure and prostate cancer. Needless to say I was calm but saw a dark cloud come over me , because what I m being told is a story. Not my father , not my friend. All that as it may, I went home. When I got there , my mother and brother confirmed the worst nightmare of my life.

So days went by and now it was time to go to work, that’s where my troubles started. First day back , I had a panic attack. I was taken to hospital and they could not figure out what was wrong.

I was discharged and life went on. I kept having meltdowns , one after another. I went to see my psychiatrist and she suggested admission. I refused and said I ll manage with medication. Two weeks down the line I had a serious meltdown and landed me back at Vista . I saw my psychiatrist and she assessed me and I told her about the zigzag moods. She is exploring the possibility that I might have Bipolar I feel like she hit the right diagnosis

7 August 2020

This was an extremely emotional day , ask me why , I honestly do not know. To be true to myself I really feel it’s time to do what I love. I cannot be in this job anymore. May the God bring me light to see and find what I need to do when I leave this place .

29 August

This damn disorder is so lonely . I was with my sister my best friend, she was talking all was normal but I felt as alone as hell. I felt so anxious I felt judged without saying much. I m out everyone knows I have bipolar and I gave people permission to tell others about my condition . At the same time when they recounted my past and their eexperiences I felt judged and it made the feeling of loneliness the void even bigger.

I had my rescue drops , hope they help. I have had my daily dose of medication but I dont know what is really up . I have never admitted of being suicidal , but I have felt it a few times. I feel hopeless , down, and useless. How can one person be in hospital so many times for the same thing and not heal from the experience. I feel hopeless about going to work . I need to get myself out of this hell hole . Sometimes I think of driving into the car in front of me . I have always imagined that I will die by a car accident. This life I m living is so empty……

05 Sept
Just yesterday I felt like I was myself again. I was ready to conquer the world and ready to take on the challenge ahead ,THAT s my JOB
Felt like I could handle it.

06 Sept 

Today i m a mess my energy levels are down, I was able to pretend the whole day at work and now that I m out of the my emotions are all over , I m all down and donno what to do. I feel like going to stay in my corner and not have to explain myself. I m even thinking ending all of this misery is the best way forward.

I dont want to feel like a charity case. I dont want everyone around me to feel sorry for me . I feel so alone because right now I dont understand myself and I feel stuck in my own body , like I m in  that restraining jacket you get at a mental institution. I dont know what to do and dont know where to go . God Help me please